Turkey Day Menu

I'm so excited about Thanksgiving this year. My mom and I are going to attempt to do our own for the first year ever. Usually we have one with a bunch of family members but not this year! We will conquer the Turkey Beast alone (well, together). This is monumental because my mom is totally not a cook (I mainly bake)... and it all has to be gluten free because she is a celiac.

I decided to post our menu plan, even though this is a house blog, because frankly, I am a southern girl, and all the menus I've seen so far on blogs make me sad. On the radio today, they asked if people make their gravy from turkey drippings or a can... and I had to go to walmart to check because I didn't even know they made it from a can. They do!!! SHAME ON YOU AMERICA. THAT IS SO WRONG. Sorry, rant over. But just 'cause our meal will be gluten free doesn't mean its all granola or hoity toity and healthy and crap. Oh no, our arteries will explode! ;)

So without further ado, here is a 'TRUE' (and simple, we aren't Paula Deen(s), you all) southern thanksgiving:

1.) TURKEY

Oven roasted with copious amounts of salt and pepper. That's it. None of that sage and rosemary crap. It's not a funeral, it shouldn't smell like one. You don't eat it plain anyways, you smother it in gravy and squish it up with your stuffing so don't whine.

BAD TURKEY:

GOOD TURKEY:

2.) STUFFING

Cornbread stuffing. Nuff said. Again, none of that herbs and crap. It shouldn't smell like potpourri. We aren't fancy so we're buying the Pepperidge Farm brand. Classy. (Obviously the celiacs just cannot eat this, they will instantly get sick, prepare this while they are out of the kitchen and wash all surfaces to avoid cross-contamination). 

Ignore the directions on the back for how to make it though, just soak it in turkey drippings, salt it up, and chuck it in the oven. It'll be yum and easy. 

3.) Broccoli Casserole:

You can't really mess this up. 

4.) Deviled Eggs

Uhm. My favorite part. They're time consuming but the ancient southern chinese secret has been passed down to me. Just mix egg yolk with mayo, sweet pickle relish, and a tiny tiny dot of mustard (and now I have to kill you since you know...). And salt and pepper. Squirt it into egg white shells and salt again. 

That red stuff on top is paprika. I don't add that, it just makes it look good. 

5.) Green beans and country ham. 

Slow cook the green beans all day, and for the love of god DRAIN that nasty juice that comes with the green beans in the can, just put it in salty water with a few chunks of country ham and let it cook on low for hours. If you don't drain them they're ruined . Clifty Farm brand country ham is preferred. Plus salt, often and copiously. 

This picture is so fake. By the time you cook your beans for 5 hours, they are closer to a yellow color. That is good, that means is about 90% unhealthy now. 

6.) Mashed Potatoes with crack added. 

Still awake? Good. The crack is just extra sharp cheddar cheese, cream cheese, and sour cream whipped up in them. Bonus points if you use half in half instead of milk to make the mashed potatoes, or for using real crack. Then bake it in the oven to bake the cheese in good. Oh and if you want fluffy taters, beat the potatoes with half a stick of butter BEFORE you add the half n half, then beat again. Magically no lumps! Then add in the crack, then bake. Simples. Make a huge tray, these will be gone fast. 

(I couldn't find a google image for this. Obviously google is not country enough)

7.) Gravy.

This is an art. I will mock anyone who relies on a can for this. Just mix flour in with your gravy drippings in a hot pan. Equal parts flour to gravy. Get the pan moderately hot so you can get the mixture boiling. You need to cook the flour so the gravy isn't all grainy. It will bubble up and turn thick and gloopy. This is good. Then you slowly add in a dash of water til you get a good, wet concrete consistency. Add in salt and pepper multiple times. Gravy must be so salty your eyes twitch. Since this is gluten free, use rice flour, you really won't tell a difference. Spoon over turkey, taters, green beans, and casserole. 

Our family has a curse against gravy, Sometimes it burns, sometimes a pyrex pan nearby explodes and the gravy turns into glass death shards... so guard your gravy well! It is cursed. 

Dat's it folks. Simple turkey/gravy/stuffing with green beans, broccoli casserole and deviled eggs. Cranberry slices are allowed but everyone only pretends to like those though so you're fine to skip it. 

Now if you're a true southerner, you have the metabolism of a race horse so it doesn't matter how fattening it is, and no one cares enough to check so don't ask. If you're not a racehorse, then at least you died happy. 

****Obviously this post is a bit tongue in cheek, everyone has their own traditions and I know they make everyone feel all warm and fuzzy inside to share about it. This was a pretend grump honestly! How is your menu different from ours? Don't say canned gravy though, I wasn't kidding about that!! :) ****